Going deep... consider this your warning

I am so thankful for my study abroad experience because I have already made meaningful relationships with awesome people and I am so excited to not only see but live out what God has planned for us here. 


The other day at afternoon tea in London I had such a fun, special time with some truly precious girls. And then the conversation went deeper. After a fun little get-to-know-you/personality-type game, my sweet friend Anna suggested we talk about what God has shown us in the past year. Umm my year has been crazy. I knew then it was time to be open and honest with them, and now I'm sharing that with you. But really, this is about to get deep. As in your ears just might pop. 


The first half of the year was great. Kanakuk was INCREDIBLE. But going back to school was hard. My best friend Ariel wasn't there. I missed my kamp friends and the community we had shared. But it wasn't all that bad. I had fun roommates and was enjoying my classes and still walking with the Lord, which I have learned determines your outlook, if not your circumstances. Then Grandma Helen got sick. I really drew close to God then. Prayed hard, dug into His word. I knew that she had had a tough life and going to Heaven would be sweet relief for her, so I thought I was at peace. Then she left. And I went numb. Six weeks later my cousin Zane joined her. For him, it was also for the best, but still so hard for my brain of flesh to understand. Two dear family friends have gotten really, really sick as well, which weighs on my heart. I was once told by a mission trip leader in high school that I have a heart that takes on burdens of others way more heavily than others, which can be a beautiful gift if I in turn give them to the Lord, but can break me if I don't. Well, I was relying on myself. All the while not trusting in or believing in myself. You see, I have come to the realization that I am depressed. While I have not been medically diagnosed, I have had urges to do ugly, scary things and horrible thoughts about myself since at least high school. I have kept this to myself, thinking it would pass, and it has eaten away at me. It has come and gone throughout this time, and I have certainly experienced joy for most of this time, but still felt this nagging ugliness that I just can't suppress. I have thought that since they were just feelings that I would chalk them up to hormones or a bad event and never accepted that the evil one truly had a hold over this area of my life, and how much power I have given him by just keeping quiet and struggling on my own. 


Tonight the Lord hit me with truth. Hard. I stumbled upon a verse on my computer...

"You are all sons of the light and sons of the day. We do not belong to the night or to darkness." I Thessalonians 5:5

With the combination of my thyroid sucking and having horrible feelings and little self-confidence, I often give in to sleep. Night. Not just to refuel my body, but as an escape. So as not to deal with people or emotions. This verse also convicts me to be honest, to not hide away and try on my own. Darkness. Because I wasn't created to make it on my own. I was created to find my identity in Christ. Feelings are so insignificant, so fleeting. But why do they rule me? Why do I trust them over the King of Kings, Lord of Lords? I know that He is so worthy, so I am seeking Him out in this time, and He is so, so good. 


This definitely does end on a happy note. It's like watching a game on tivo after you've already read the headlines. Even if you think your team is losing, you know in the end you'll win. In the same way, Jesus wins. There is no alternative ending. Life may not always be pretty, but I know that I can stick out the setbacks with my Savior. 


Thanks for reading. Please share your hurts with someone. They won't go away unless you surrender.